A Co-pilot for an Alien in The Tempest
Aug. 17th, 2020 08:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tcpipEvery morning I wake in tears. Tears of depression with a sense of loss and failure in the past, knowing I could have, should have, done better. Tears of anxiety with the sheer scale and difficulty of what confronts me in the future. But then I take into account the success of the past, the promises that have been made to me for the future, and the arms I have for the present. These provide foundations and pillars of stability as I confront the requirements of the day that have already been broken down in their details and dependencies because I plan. Thus, I compose - nay, steel myself, and encounter the world with grim determination. "To the darkened skies once more and ever onward". This is what it's like to be in depths of The Tempest of Romanticism and Stoicism, even with numerous advantages the hand of life has dealt me, not the least certain advantages of birth "this thing of darkness I acknowledge mine". In extremes, the outwardness of serenity is matched with the inwardness of inner turmoil. A former partner once referred to me as a spirit-level on my ability to keep my head regardless of circumstances, and that is the Stoicism you see.
Some of the inner turmoil is generated by the realisation that I have of what must seem to be an alien psyche to many others; "it's almost like you're not of this world", a very dear friend kindly remarked recently, and they are not the first to say such a thing. They meant it as a compliment, of course, to cheer on my successes. I am very cognisant of my existential condition and determined that when my time is up I will be a spirit for the living, not a ghost of the past. As a result, I work very hard on improving myself (mentally, socially, physically) so that I can do my part in healing the world. For this is the path to eudaimonia, the greatest source of happiness. A modest level of financial security and societal integration is necessary and a priori of course (as the Peripatetics argued against the Stoics). But those who think after this that the path to happiness after this is through even more possessions, property, and status, are sorely mistaken. Ultimately nothing provides greater happiness than to know that you have done good for others, and even better still as effective altruism and that you will continue to do so, quite literally to be possessed by a good (eu) demon (daimonia).
I do not pretend that this is easy, and a life of simple pleasures, isolated from the troubles of the world, as the Epicureans advocated, must be enticing. But it is not my path, and despite my enjoyment of the sensual, never has been. Multiple people in recent months have also told me that I am a difficult match; which is an interesting two-fold comment. On one level, yes, I know that I am difficult to match with. With bouts of driven dysthymia, a passion for technical challenges, practical political activism, a love of the highest arts, and an ever-increasing multitude of formal qualifications (yes, I know that I am on the verge of becoming of the most qualified people in the country, if not the planet), that is hard to match with. But this is not the sort of match I am interested in, I don't want or need a match that represents either mirror or a complement or a compromise in my life. It is the other sort of match that I would be interested in, the one who seeks to become the best version of themselves, and actively seeks eudaimonia.
This too is a difficult match; I am not after an anchor in a safe harbour, that is not my Weltannäherung although I certainly understand the appeal. I have learned that I can be happy in own company ("Si vous êtes seul quand vous êtes seul, vous êtes en mauvaise compagnie"), however I know I would have even greater delight with a co-pilot in the tempest that is to come. The contemporary comedian Daniel Sloss describes such as experience as finding your missing puzzle-piece which, if you find such a person, you can make the centre of your life. More lasting I believe is the notion of the notion of the soulmate from Plato's Symposium, the discovery of another who have the same spirit for life as you do, sometimes paraphrased as "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies". Sloss, perhaps, could have described this as discovering that another who is making the same puzzle, your big picture, and you each discover you have the missing piece held by the other. But have you ever tried to find a missing puzzle-piece? Where are you my co-pilot, my soul-mate, my missing puzzle-piece? This roaring silence devours me; and I'm crushed by the absence of you.
Some of the inner turmoil is generated by the realisation that I have of what must seem to be an alien psyche to many others; "it's almost like you're not of this world", a very dear friend kindly remarked recently, and they are not the first to say such a thing. They meant it as a compliment, of course, to cheer on my successes. I am very cognisant of my existential condition and determined that when my time is up I will be a spirit for the living, not a ghost of the past. As a result, I work very hard on improving myself (mentally, socially, physically) so that I can do my part in healing the world. For this is the path to eudaimonia, the greatest source of happiness. A modest level of financial security and societal integration is necessary and a priori of course (as the Peripatetics argued against the Stoics). But those who think after this that the path to happiness after this is through even more possessions, property, and status, are sorely mistaken. Ultimately nothing provides greater happiness than to know that you have done good for others, and even better still as effective altruism and that you will continue to do so, quite literally to be possessed by a good (eu) demon (daimonia).
I do not pretend that this is easy, and a life of simple pleasures, isolated from the troubles of the world, as the Epicureans advocated, must be enticing. But it is not my path, and despite my enjoyment of the sensual, never has been. Multiple people in recent months have also told me that I am a difficult match; which is an interesting two-fold comment. On one level, yes, I know that I am difficult to match with. With bouts of driven dysthymia, a passion for technical challenges, practical political activism, a love of the highest arts, and an ever-increasing multitude of formal qualifications (yes, I know that I am on the verge of becoming of the most qualified people in the country, if not the planet), that is hard to match with. But this is not the sort of match I am interested in, I don't want or need a match that represents either mirror or a complement or a compromise in my life. It is the other sort of match that I would be interested in, the one who seeks to become the best version of themselves, and actively seeks eudaimonia.
This too is a difficult match; I am not after an anchor in a safe harbour, that is not my Weltannäherung although I certainly understand the appeal. I have learned that I can be happy in own company ("Si vous êtes seul quand vous êtes seul, vous êtes en mauvaise compagnie"), however I know I would have even greater delight with a co-pilot in the tempest that is to come. The contemporary comedian Daniel Sloss describes such as experience as finding your missing puzzle-piece which, if you find such a person, you can make the centre of your life. More lasting I believe is the notion of the notion of the soulmate from Plato's Symposium, the discovery of another who have the same spirit for life as you do, sometimes paraphrased as "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies". Sloss, perhaps, could have described this as discovering that another who is making the same puzzle, your big picture, and you each discover you have the missing piece held by the other. But have you ever tried to find a missing puzzle-piece? Where are you my co-pilot, my soul-mate, my missing puzzle-piece? This roaring silence devours me; and I'm crushed by the absence of you.
no subject
Date: 2020-08-17 12:07 pm (UTC)Lately, I've been trying to kill the idea that I need another person to be whole. A friend of mine says it's better wanting to be around a person than to need being around them. I agree, but it's hard thinking that way when you've been taught your whole life that a co-dependent relationship is the right one. On the other hand, being lonely and cultivating healthy relationships when you have an extreme fear of abandonment (which is my case) is hard.
no subject
Date: 2020-08-17 11:00 pm (UTC)Do you have any ability to contact your puzzle-piece? An apology on where you were emotionally, a plea for forgiveness, etc. No expectations of course, just a hope that they will be understanding.
I don't really think I need another person to be whole, in fact, I am sure of that. I have spent a lot of time in my life single, and there's certainly something to be said for that lifestyle.
But I am undergoing some big life changes at the moment, which better suit my spirit, and I rather like the idea of a co-pilot who wants to come along for the ride. Because at the end of it all I know they'll be able to say with confidence, "we made a difference; we healed ourselves, healed others, and made the world a better place".
Because that's what I want to do with the remainder of my life.
no subject
Date: 2020-08-18 11:21 am (UTC)It's great that you have a healthy point of view on relationships. As we say here in Brazil: "I want to be like you when I grow up" :D I'm still working on having healthy relationships, and it's hard most of the time.
I hope you find someone.
no subject
Date: 2020-08-18 11:43 am (UTC)Which, to be honest, even if it's hurtful in the short-term is a lot better than not knowing where you stand in someone else's eyes.
Even if a person is not sure, knowing that they're not sure is better than not knowing at all.
> "I want to be like you when I grow up" :D
Oh, you know how to make a man in autumn years smile :)
> I hope you find someone.
I hope so too. Because two people driven with the same spirit can achieve amazing things.
no subject
Date: 2020-08-17 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-08-17 10:47 pm (UTC)And look how you've succeeded!
no subject
Date: 2020-08-18 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-08-18 04:48 pm (UTC)