A New Chapter Begins

[tcpip]

The longer you are in a relationship, the harder it is to end it. Although seventeen years in the making, caseopaya and I are calling it a day. It is not a decision brings any pleasure at all, but rather one that protects me from an ongoing and future malaise. Of course, we have had many superb experiences together and we built up enough worldly possessions for comfort. But the reality is that the idea of continuing on was a slow death for me. There had been many years of stability, but without requisite growth and disruption. For most people that is probably what they want in life; for them, the opposite of depression is happiness. For me, and it's probably a minority perspective, the opposite of depression is vitality.

Which elucidates a fundamental difference in an approach-to-the-world (Weltannäherung); caseopaya's approach is passive escapism; mine is active confrontation. Neither of us is going to change our basic personality, and nor should we be expected to. Again, for most people, this sort of difference in fundamental personality is something that can be accomodated for a relationship. To a large extent I believe I did that for many years, partially because I have a phlegmatic approach to my relationship with other people as I believe that they can find their own path. But I don't want accommodation for the sake of a relationship. My overwhelming preference is for a soulmate, one who shares the same elan. And even if I do not find such a person, I am not lonely in my own company.

There is absolutely no acrimony here. I do love her, in the way that a brother should love their sister. Pandemic circumstances as they are, we still have to live together under the same roof, which is of sufficient size that we can have our own space. It is my intention to be entirely pragmatic and mature about this and especially to be mindful of issues of attachment; it is, after all, attachments and craving that will bring unnecessary grief and suffering. I certainly do hope that none of our many mutual friends, "pick sides", as there are no "sides" here. There are practical issues, such as our shared assets and chattels and our animal companions. Hopefully, at the end of it all, we can still share a strong friendship with many fine memories.

Comments

[casimirian]

I'm comforted to hear of your optimism and courage. I'm sorry to hear of the divide that comes with the change. Regardless, I hope all resolves well in time.

[tcpip]

I think it will resolve well, and I will make every to do so as it is the right thing to do.

[johnny9fingers]

I am sorry that your lives have been so disrupted. I hope mutual chums will not take sides; but that will take work and generosity from both of you.

May you find an equitable and kindly separation and a continuing friendship; and may both you and caseopaya also find the relationship which suits you and fulfils your needs and desires.

It always looks a bit bleak for a while. From my experience it's worse when you have kids, I think; though pets are probably a similarly complicating factor.

[tcpip]

Thanks, johnn9fingers.

One of my friends on Facebook mentioned her amicable break-up with her partner (a high-level local politician) where they still had kids in primary school.

It is possible if both sides want it.

[ecosopher]

I'm sorry to hear this. It's great that you're optimistic and the split is amicable. But it's still the end of an era - although, as you point out, also the beginning of a new one.

[tcpip]

I guess many relationships are explosive break-ups, and hence the acrimony. That's just not how I roll, still waters run deep and all that.

In this case, I wish the scales had fallen from my eyes a little sooner.

[motg]

I am so sorry. Good fortune attend you both!

[tcpip]

Thanks motg. I'm determined to make this work, the best I possibly can.

[helvetica]

<3 these things are always hard but sometimes it is just time for them to end. I'm glad you were able meet this decision together, and I wish you both the best with moving forward with your lives, and your friendship together. All the best!

[tcpip]

Thanks Helvetica. I'll try my very best to make this work.

[warriorsavant]

Sorry bro. Even a "good" break up is never good. You will adapt and get over it, but it will take a long time. Be strong. Be kind to caseopaya, and be kind to yourself.

[tcpip]

Thanks warrior. Kindness attracts kindness and I will do so.

[silver_chipmunk]

I hope you work everything out to the satisfaction of both parties.

[tcpip]

Thanks, silver_chipmunk. It is not going to be easy for a variety of reasons, but I will not make it harder that it could be.

[the_siobhan]

Some of the best advice I ever got was that a relationship isn't necessarily a failure just because it ends. It is possible to be really good for each other in the short term and it's far healthier to move on when it's time than it is to drag something past it's natural life.

It sounds like it's the right thing to do and I hope it works out for both of you.

[tcpip]

I think that's a very accurate description of the situation.

There was mo fault on either side, and no unpleasantness.

But I could feel myself slowly dying, and it wasn't good for me.

[azurelunatic]

Good luck to both of you, and in being able to proceed kindly and safely.

[tcpip]

Thanks azurelunatic.

[dorchadas]

I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad that there's no acrimony. That should at least make it easier to transition to the after-state, whatever it looks like.

[tcpip]

There's too many examples of awful acrimonious breakups in the world, and I am determined that this isn't going to be one of them.

In a sense, very little has actually changed in our lives.

[weedpizza]

That must be hard. I'm really sorry. ♡

[tcpip]

My older self spoke to me now self and said "if you don't do this, this is where you will be".

The place wasn't bad, but my mind was unhappy.

Like The Ghost of Christmas Future, and thank you, Charles Dickens, for your insight.

[weedpizza]

Well, it's important to follow your heart! I think it's a very brave and very grownup decision.