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Forever Autumn: Valedictions, Kayo
May. 29th, 2026 02:15 pmA couple of days ago, I was informed that my former partner, Kayo, had died in her sleep the previous evening. We had been friends, albeit mainly at a distance, for many years. The random moments we had spent together were frozen in time, capturing lightning, light, and colour. In the midst of COVID, I managed to rescue her from being trapped in Thailand as international flights were being cancelled, and got her on the second-last seat of the last plane leaving the country. Months later, we formed a relationship, a partnership, became engaged, purchased a home, and made plans for a future life together. Alas, it didn't work out as expected. Kayo was a person who could show an incredibly deep love, express delightful kindness to others (even and especially to random strangers), and really had a beautiful heart. But, it must be said, she was also a person with emotional and affective instability; in the four years of our partnership, she broke up with me five times (I literally lost teeth over this), and when it became clear that I wasn't going to take her back for a sixth attempt, we parted company and not entirely on the best of terms.
One cannot blame her for this; Kayo's brain was wired very differently as a result of trauma-induced CPTSD, and any recovery from such a condition is difficult, given the profound neurological changes to the amygdala. For my part, I believe I consistently went well beyond reasonable expectations to be helpful, generous, understanding, and to provide a point of stability in her life. Certainly, I educated myself a great deal on mental health issues and, following the completion of a psychology degree, was invited to do postgraduate research by Auckland University. Kayo would tell me that, despite my own fairly rough upbringing, my grounding was "inspirational", and that I was "compassionate", "dedicated", a whole range of other positive descriptors of a different nature; the most important being that she felt safe, secure, and that all her many fears about the world would melt away in my company. I don't think anyone has provided me with such positive and passionate affirmations as she did, and she was one of the few people who could shake me out of a persistent depressive disorder manifested in my own life as driven dysthymia, and that alone speaks volumes about the sort of person she was. It was appropriate that her consistent, decades-long nom de net was a science fiction character who saves the planet through light and love.
There are many wonderful memories of my time with Kayo. We had a couple of delightful nature-immersed regional holidays, innumerable picnics in the best of the local parklands, we would sing whilst preparing food together in the kitchen, dance with our respective cats (who must have thought we were quite mad), we engaged in detailed speculations both practical and ridiculous (such as how we would steal the Star Sapphire of India), and we would study together providing motivation and ideas; her assistance in my MHEd thesis at the University of Otago was especially notable and is recorded for all history. But all of these sweet memories are in the past tense and can never be repeated or elaborated on. I really feel for her family at the moment, especially her parents and her brother, who absolutely adored her. For my own part, I must thank those who have expressed sympathy and care to me, all knowing that Kayo was such a big part of my life. Valedictions, Kayo, there is some small solace for all of us knowing that you are at peace: "Dieu réunit ceux qui s'aiment".
One cannot blame her for this; Kayo's brain was wired very differently as a result of trauma-induced CPTSD, and any recovery from such a condition is difficult, given the profound neurological changes to the amygdala. For my part, I believe I consistently went well beyond reasonable expectations to be helpful, generous, understanding, and to provide a point of stability in her life. Certainly, I educated myself a great deal on mental health issues and, following the completion of a psychology degree, was invited to do postgraduate research by Auckland University. Kayo would tell me that, despite my own fairly rough upbringing, my grounding was "inspirational", and that I was "compassionate", "dedicated", a whole range of other positive descriptors of a different nature; the most important being that she felt safe, secure, and that all her many fears about the world would melt away in my company. I don't think anyone has provided me with such positive and passionate affirmations as she did, and she was one of the few people who could shake me out of a persistent depressive disorder manifested in my own life as driven dysthymia, and that alone speaks volumes about the sort of person she was. It was appropriate that her consistent, decades-long nom de net was a science fiction character who saves the planet through light and love.
There are many wonderful memories of my time with Kayo. We had a couple of delightful nature-immersed regional holidays, innumerable picnics in the best of the local parklands, we would sing whilst preparing food together in the kitchen, dance with our respective cats (who must have thought we were quite mad), we engaged in detailed speculations both practical and ridiculous (such as how we would steal the Star Sapphire of India), and we would study together providing motivation and ideas; her assistance in my MHEd thesis at the University of Otago was especially notable and is recorded for all history. But all of these sweet memories are in the past tense and can never be repeated or elaborated on. I really feel for her family at the moment, especially her parents and her brother, who absolutely adored her. For my own part, I must thank those who have expressed sympathy and care to me, all knowing that Kayo was such a big part of my life. Valedictions, Kayo, there is some small solace for all of us knowing that you are at peace: "Dieu réunit ceux qui s'aiment".
