Why do I "work" so hard?

[tcpip]

This is a question that escapes my capacity for self-reflection.

Yesterday I left work early, exhausted, dissatisfied and fell asleep by 8.30pm. Twelve hours later, I awoke and today I'm at it again.

I usually start work at 8am every morning, sometimes earlier. I sometimes have a 30 minute lunch break. I usually leave work between 8pm and 10pm. Sometimes later. I do this seven days a week. In addition to my formal work tasks, I'm also learning two new languages, finishing a PhD (which goes _very_ well, thank you for asking) and writing papers for academic conferences and journals (one confirmed - a maths paper, believe it or not!).It's not as is I'm being paid a great deal for this (about $125 USD/week), and prices here can be "interesting" to say the least.

It's not as if I only engage in instrumental work. There's plenty of communication in my life - it's just the topics are more, well, related to the polis, I suppose. (The current favourite, "How do we stop the war?" is invariably brought up with "Should Israel exist?") There is also plenty of time of reflective communion. I love walking the streets here late at night and along the beach. There is no doubt about it that some of the most spectacular scenery in the world is available here. And there is always the knowledge that the dead are many and that everything has spirit here, even the rocks.

I mean I could do what others do. Work the minimum required hours and do the minimum required work for the maximum financial benefit. Then spend free-time in trivial small talk (face-to-face or virtual) or watching Buffy or something equally ridiculous on the idiot box.

So why don't I? What sort of neurosis is this?

Comments

[severina-242.livejournal.com]

Same one I've got apparently. I do think you work a little too much (12 to 14 hours is a bit silly), but then again I work some pretty stupid hours both in my day job and in my own personal art work. You could work a *bit* less, engage in worthwhile conversation with other intelligent people and spend leisure hours doing something relaxing. Small talk doesn't have to be trivial and frankly, you can really do without the TV.

What are we here for after all? To consume popular culture and do crappy, meaningless work for money that we exchange for luxury goods we don't need? That would be *boring*.

[tcpip.livejournal.com]

I know, I'm driving myself into the ground a bit. But I've sent myself some pretty high goals and I want to achieve them. That's part of the reason I put "work" in inverted commas. I don't have to do this, I'm not doing for the financial utility (if I was I'd been earning about $1.30/hour) but I _want_ to do it, I choose it _freely_, even if it does exhaust me and leave me dissatisfied and cranky at times.

The thing is, I've been like this for most of my life. Not to this extent on any extended period of time, but more often than not I'll try to do more than is required of me, than is beneficial for me and without systematic (financial or institutional) rewards that are commensurate with the behaviour. Is it just plain crazy to do this or is it just part of _vita activa_ and _vita contemplativa_?

[tcpip.livejournal.com]

He died at the console
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried,
Face down, 9-edge first

"The Last Bug". Dedicated to workers on the IBM 1402 and 1622 card-reading machines. "9-edge" is the bottom of the card that was insertd.

Re:

[severina-242.livejournal.com]

Oh, you green text loving computer nerd! ;-)

*pinches cheeks*

god help me

[(Anonymous)]

shut the fuck up. no one thinks youre smart, dorko

Re: god help me

[tcpip.livejournal.com]

I leave that decision to my peers, "dorko".